Lyrics – Quality Lincoln

A humble suite about the G.E.

Part One — Quality Lincoln

Lincoln suffered from depression, Joe
but it wasn’t because of the war, you know
and it wasn’t because of his son who died
or the wacky behavior of his bride
Lincoln had a rare disease
They cloned his bones, said a magazine
No, they didn’t have the know-how in those days

It isn’t Grant in Lincoln’s tomb
but it isn’t Abe, it’s some baboon
A gangly goon in fancy pants
who took the good man’s place by chance
Lincoln had a rare disease
Booth killed an ape that wore his sleeves
No, they didn’t have the know-how
didn’t have a cure in those days

Lincoln
It shouldn’t happen to our quality Lincoln
Shoulda’ happened all to Jefferson Davis
or that condesending General Sherman
with his inimitable bow-tie snapping
Shouldn’t happen to our quality Lincoln
Shoulda’ happened all to Colonel Smith

Lincoln’s got no kin today
The Lincoln name is dead
Got to find some dna
got to dig up Lincoln’s head
Lincoln had a rare disease
that turned him into a chimpanzee
No they didn’t have the know-how
didn’t have a cure in those days

Lincoln
It shouldn’t happen to our quality Lincoln
Shoulda’ happened all to Jefferson Davis
or that condesending General Sherman
with his inimitable bow-tie snapping
Shouldn’t happen to our quality Lincoln
Shoulda’ happened all to Colonel Smith

Part 2 — Lincoln Tool

I was with Booth when he plotted the assassination of Abraham Lincoln
This is the truth; I was troubled ’bout imancipation of them there slaves
so I offered up my sword to the confederacy at large
and here I am

I was a reb’ in the guise of a Union Colonel with all those fools
I butchered a town just to prove to them that I was a loyal Lincoln tool
Then in order to escape my shame, I wandered into outer space
and here I am

Part 3 — Cousin Smith

Dynamite baked in a pie for my little cousin Zachary
Privately hoping that I won’t receive payment in kind from all of these
Northern-bred paritsans of the cause that brought me fame
I am the Smith that gave all of the Smiths their bad name

What would you think of a man who, out of his pride and arrogance,
threw in his lot with a plan to betray our quality nation’s president?
Safe until Great Birnan Wood scaled high Dunsinane,
he was the Lincoln who gave every king their bad name

 © 1993 by Matthew & Joseph Perry

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