Freakishly Unanswerable Questions

Here they are, in no particular order.

Q. “FUQ” sounds like “Fuck” when you say it. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?

A. I was, but that sounded like “fuck” to me, too.

Q. Matt’s the bass player, right? So how come he’s also the guitar player? What have you got against Matt, anyway?

A. When we were little, he stole all of my gum wrappers. And not only that, but he…well…we have issues, okay? Just leave me alone.

Q. If I buy your stupid CD, how do I know you didn’t slip a Peter Lemongello disc in the case by mistake?

A. It wouldn’t matter. They sound identical to one another.

Q. If you’re “dis-corporate,” what about Hegemonic Records & Worm Farm?

A. They’re our corporate paymasters, that’s all. If we shill hard enough, we may end up on soup cans, or on boxes of frozen waffles. Who knows how far we might go.

Q. Who came up with Big Green Hits? And what does it have to do with President Lincoln?

A. No man can say.

Q. How come you guys never play anywhere? Is it because you’re chicken?

A. Get away from me, you scavenging ghoul.

Q. What’s with the Christmas thing, anyway? And who the hell is “Jane?”

A. Years ago on Earth, wolves used to wipe out whole villages until men learned to hunt them down. Wolves learned. We’ve got to make them learn, too. This is our world, now. Our world.

Q. How come John doesn’t have the same last name as the other two? What is he, weird, or something?

A. In fact, his last name is the same as the other two. It’s really more interesting that you can’t see this to be true.

Q. If God didn’t make little green apples, who did…and why?

A. You know those round things you put on the heels of your boots during the Winter months? I call them bottle caps. No wait…never mind.

Q. Does the name Big Green signify anything?

A. We-he-hell just as far as the eye can see…it was a signifying monkey in a coconut tree.

Q. Can you lend me a couple of bucks to buy some generic cigarettes?

A. Did somebody say something just now? Did I say something?

Q. Do you guys all live in the same wacky house, like the Lemurs? Those dudes are lost, man. Real lost.

A. No. But we use the same aftershave. As the Lemurs, that is. And as each other. We’re thinking about getting a wacky band pad, but we need a few more multi-million dollar corporate endorsements first. We thought about going to that wacky WTO thing in Seattle and looking for sponsors, but that would’ve taken some effort. Maybe next time. Hey, there’s a whole world of pillaging going on, and we’re looking to get our share. So the short answer is, Cleveland.

Q. Why did the robot bake those plastic explosives into the cake for Dr. Smith and Major West? Couldn’t he have found some non-violent way to help them out of that jam?

A. Yeah, I saw it, too. Big as a battleship and twice as thick. Sweet mother.

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