Music minus fun.

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There’s that funny music again. And the really strange thing is, every time I hear it, there’s someone at the front door. What’s that? A door bell? Oh … okay. Never mind.

Well, I thought I was on to something important there; maybe a new scientific principle born of some random observation, like noticing a minor irregularity in the orbit of Mercury. No such luck, my friends – looks like the Nobel Prize for Physics will be going to someone else this year … again. (Don’t know how many of these disappointments I can stand.) I understand that our mad science advisor, Mitch Macaphee, has been nominated for the Ignobel Prize in making things blow sky high. That’s a tough one to win – it’s a little hard to guess how high sky high is.

Lord only knows, we don’t do what we do here at Big Green for the love of prizes and little metal statuettes. Neither do we do it for the money. (The simple fact is that there IS no money in what we do.) Nay, we just do it for the simple joy of music …. that omnipresent mellifluous force that lifts our spirits up on high. That unseen power that unites us with the choir invisible. That … I don’t know …. ear worm that drives you out of your skull for three days; thanks an effing bunch, Matt! YOU AND YOUR CATCHY TUNES!

Not MY master's voice.Honestly, if we relied on positive feedback, like all of our coaches and half of our therapists suggested, we would have left this “business” years ago. I’ve known enterprising individuals who consider push-back a strong indication that you’re doing the right thing. That sounds good to me, but frankly … we don’t even get a lot of negative feedback. We’re like the band in the bubble. We’re music minus fun.

Hey, maybe we’re on to something, right? Matt wrote a song years ago called “Motivation X” which celebrated the sentiment: use your motivation to restrain yourself. That’s the revolution, right? Go easy on the world. Start a collective and make music because that’s what you do, not because you want to rip the world a new asshole and burn through a lot of money, a lot of trees, a lot of water, a lot of gas, etc. Make your revolutionary act the act of not succeeding.

Wait …. there’s that funny music again! Mailman, perhaps?

THIS IS BIG GREEN: February 2017

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Big Green celebrates the holidays two months late, with a new Ned Trek Christmas Special, five new Big Green songs, and some uncontrollable silliness. Hot holiday leftovers, coming right up.

This is Big Green – February 2017.

Features: 1) Ned Trek 31: It’s A Profitable Life – A Big Green Holiday Special, featuring 5 new Big Green Songs; 2) Song: You Can’t Do Anything, by Big Green; 3) Song: You Asked Me How, by Big Green; 4) Song: Fountainhead, by Big Green; 5) Song: Christmas Without You, by Big Green; 6) Song: Christmas Pearls, by Big Green; 7) Put The Phone Down: Serial apologies for the lateness of the holiday; 8) Lamenting the passing of John Hurt and others; 9) Which Jane Eyre?; 10) Life in the Turkey House; 11) Special kind of exit.


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Big Green gets up off its lazy ass and drops an awesome podcast featuring a spanking new Ned Trek episode, eight new songs, and some strange thumping. Turn it off … turn it off!

This is Big Green – May 2016. Features: 1) Ned Trek 28: Disheveled in the Dark, featuring 8 Big Green songs; 2) Song: Say Can You Fear (at 16:14), by Big Green; 3) Song: Romney and You Know It (at 22:04), by Big Green; 4) Song: Down In The Polls (at 39:12), by Big Green; 5) Song: Herr Mr. Hair (at 49:14), by Big Green; 6) Song: You Made That Bed (at 1:05:25), by Big Green; 7) Song: Demigod (at 1:15:16), by Big Green; 8) Song: Hey, GOP (at 1:21:49), by Big Green; 9) Song: Cry for the Children (at 1:26:36), by Big Green; 10) Put the phone down: Trawling through the archives; 11) Falcon watch, Utica; 12) Time for us to go.

Year seventeen.

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Aren’t you sick of the Gregorian calendar? I’m thinking we should start calculating time on the basis of how long we’ve been blogging. So hell … call this Year 17. Happy 17! Four more years and we can drink in front of our parents! (Four years of what we’ve got coming, and I suspect we will need to.)

I know you’re all wondering what we’ve got planned for the new year. I know this because I can read your mind like a billboard. Just call me Kreskin. Or Criswell. Whichever works … just be sure to preface it with “THE AMAZING … ” or I’ll have to bring my $3.95 magic set back to the toy store, top hat and all. (Some Christmas THIS turned out to be!) Anyway, as I said, I’m sure you’re wondering, and if you are, well, you’re not alone, because we’re wondering what the hell Big Green is going to do this year, too. Maybe call a contractor to fix the leaky windows in the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill. (Question: Is a large, jagged hole in the glass considered a “leak”?)

There’s been talk of another album. I mean, a Big Green album, of course, not just some random album we picked up at the second hand store. (Though there has been talk of that, too.) The next obvious project would be a collection of Ned Trek related songs, upgraded and in some cases re-recorded from the versions on our podcast, THIS IS BIG GREEN. We wrote about 15 or 16 songs last year, maybe more, and re-recorded some older pieces, so there’s enough material, particularly when you consider the 30 or so from the previous two years. Of course, Matt walks in with a new song practically every week, so about all I can do is try to keep up with the fucker. FUCKER!

I think the dictionary is in Smith's quarters. Get it.Hoo-boy, there’s an echo in here. And I’m getting dirty looks from the neighbors, so I should wrap this up. Will we be doing any live performances this year? Don’t know. It’s always a possibility. Matt talks about it from time to time, and I certainly think about it. There’s the logistical issue, of course, and then there’s …. well … making it sound like something more than pure suckitude. But those are relatively minor problems in the grand scheme of things.

What does that mean, exactly? Not sure. I will consult Marvin (my personal robot assistant), whose electronic brain is programmed to interpret the most abstruse sentences imaginable. Hope his batteries are fully recharged.


Inside the Xmas Podcast.

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Back to Earth with us, in a manner of speaking. Gravity always brings you home, right? Stupid ass gravity! Oh, well … where would we be without it? (In space, perhaps.)

While we were away on our interstellar trip to nowhere-ville, we dropped another THIS IS BIG GREEN podcast – our annual Holiday Extravaganza, as it were. (And it were … oh, it were!) If you’ve listened to it already, then you are among the few who truly understand Christmas cheer, let alone Christmas pride, Christmas joy, and all those other seasonal soap products. (We were sponsored by P&G this year. The really took a gamble!)

Anywho, without any further ado, here’s what’s inside the Holiday podcast:

Ned Trek 26: A Very Neddy Christmas. The Ned Trek crew re-enacts Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol with a more modern sensibility. Unprecedented? Certainly not. Nor is it un-presidented. It in fact features cameos by no less than two ex presidents and probably at least one future president. Introduced as always by Lee Majors, who doesn’t even attempt a British accent.

Ned Trek 26 is a musical episode, featuring four new recordings by Big Green. They are:

Christmas Past. Apropos of its name, this is a song Matt wrote in the very late 1980s, back when the sky was black with flocks of pterodactyls. This new recording includes choral parts in a little-known extraterrestrial tongue, with helpful translations by other choral singers who attempt to imitate David Bowie.

McBridy. Another number from the old days, this one from Matt’s 1990 Christmas cassette. A song about the troubles in Ireland, which were still going on back then. Eye for an eye, and an island of blind men. Pretty thumpy little number.

Put the decorations away now, Marvin.Romney in Reserve. Kind of a country swing song about Willard standing by his phone, waiting for a call from a desperate GOP chair pleading for him to jump in and save the party for 2016. Dream on, Willard, dream on.

40s Guys Christmas. Our best approximation of a big band, which is not too great, but nevertheless. The 40s guys get their chance to shine, singing about working on Christmas.

Put The Phone Down. Matt and I talk about a whole bunch of stuff, from George Washington Carver, to George Washington’s wooden teeth, to the war of the Cuban conservatives, and more. Easy listening here in Big Green land.

Enjoy and keep those comments coming. (Don’t forget to check out the special encore Holiday Special at )

Inside the November podcast.

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That was close. No, not the comet – that didn’t end up being close at all. I mean the November podcast. We almost didn’t post before Thanksgiving week, and that would have been a tragedy beyond measure. (Well, beyond my measure, anyway. Not real good at reading the old tragedy yardstick.)

Really big show (or shoe). Anyhow, now that Earth is out of danger (at least from external forces) we can take a few minutes to dissect this month’s episode of THIS IS BIG GREEN, our podcast and the only avenue we have left for artistic expression. (Cue the violins.) So let’s pop open the hood and see what’s inside, shall we? Here goes …

Ned Trek XXI: Old Maple Glory. Our episodes of the space horse-opera Ned Trek are loosely based on installments of classic Star Trek, as you probably know, except that the ship is named the Free Enterprise and it is commanded by Willard Mitt Romney and his talking dressage horse, Mr. Ned. This episode follows The Omega Glory, roughly speaking, with cousin Rick Perry as the renegade commodore who takes over a primitive, divided planet. The precious resource in contention is syrup. Lots of fist fights.

New Songs. Strewn carelessly throughout the Ned Trek episode are rough drafts of new Big Green songs that loosely describe the emotional currents of the program. Most of these have a sixties rock vibe about them; two are positively psychedelic, particularly the Nixon robot song, “Yorba Linda Mybalinda”. Ned’s song “Nobody Ride” is kind of trippy as well. Doc sticks with the sixties rock milieu with “Doc’s Flapjacks”, and Rick Perry does a celebrity comeback number called “Sugar Shack.” Willard Mitt Romney chimes in with “Super Sugar Christ”, a snappy little swing number. Spotlight on Richard Pearle for “Motherlode”, another ode to unbridled greed. We’ve even included a College pep song for Rick Perry entitled “Hi-Yi-Yi-Yi-Yi,” sung a capella.

Old Song. For good measure, we tossed in a replay of our number from last year, “Don’t Tell Rick!” – our frantic plea to the listener of Cowboy Scat: Songs in the Key of Rick not to blow us in to Governor Perry.

Random Conversation. Our “Put the phone down” segment includes some very impromptu singing, a dissection of the 2014 mid-term election, and other random rants.

So hey … give it a listen, then give us a shout. We always read our email. (Explains a lot.)