Tag Archives: Star Trek

Ned Trek 24: Whom Gods Deploy

Hey, wanna see my newest pitcher?

Plot Summary

The crew of the Free Enterprise travels to psych ward planet Planet Crawford Two (not a typo) to deliver precious clue-giving anti-psychotic pretzels to Commodore George W. Bush, who is interned on the planet under the questionable care of Dr. Paul Wolfowitz, far from the terrestrial hoofed creatures (i.e. horses and cows) that terrify him so.

Features 7 Big Green Songs:

(1) Up On The Bridge
(2) I Paint What I See
(3) Naturally
(4) Stephanie’s Song
(5) Baby Bush
(6) Jesus Has a Known Mind
(7) Real Talking Horse,

Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode:

Whom Gods Destroy

Cast

Free Enterprise Crew:

Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Welsh, chief engineer
Dr. Bugoto, the ship’s veterinarian
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president
Stephanie K., umpteenth clone of redshirt Mr. Stephanie

On Planet Planet Crawford Two:

Commodore George W. Bush, picture painter
Dr.  Paul Wolfowitz, Bush’s caretaker
Condolleeza Rice, another inmate

Ned Trek 23: Doo Dah Dancing

Is that genuine novocaine? Excellent!

Plot Summary

Captain Romney breaks a tooth in mid-chew and the Free Enterprise is forced to divert to planet Dentine Five, where one of Willard’s old flames and doo-dah dancing partners, Dr. Jellian Mustard, runs her dental practice. Little does the crew suspect that Dr. Mustard is planning to swap consciousnesses with Willard, take over the ship, and make the universe safe for dentistry once again.

Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode:

Turnabout Intruder

Cast

Free Enterprise Crew:

Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Welsh, chief engineer
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president
Stephanie J., umpteenth clone of redshirt Mr. Stephanie

On Planet Dentine Five:

Dr. Jellian Mustard, Willard’s old dancing partner
Gladstone Goodstein, Dr. Mustard’s assistant

Ned Trek 22: Mitt’s Brain

Plot Summary

It seems that Captain Romney’s brain is stolen by a team of neocon dweebs intent on using his immense intellect for the vital purpose of holding a door open. Famous people are poorly imitated and mocked without any sense of decency or decorum.

Features 6 Big Green Songs:

(1) Brain, What is Brain?
(2) Whatever Romney Knows
(3) Lost Your Mind
(4) Send in Some Advisers
(5) Nixon Action
(6) Two Lines

Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode:

Spock’s Brain

Cast

Free Enterprise Crew:

Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Welsh, chief engineer
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president

Also Featuring:

Dr. Henry Kissinger (as himself)

Planetary Neocons:

Bill Kristol
Robert Kagan
Assorted Cavemen

Ned Trek 21: Old Maple Glory

E phlegm-nista, Pat, old boy!

Plot Summary

The Free Enterprise crew board the star ship Crackahead, in orbit around Planet Yimcipid 4, only to find that it’s a plague ship, stricken by the deadly Green Acres virus. The Crackahead’s commander, Captain Rick Perry, has cornered the maple syrup market down on Yimcipid and is profiting from setting the planet’s primitive inhabitants – the Klowrns and the Feddlesenes –  at each other’s throats. Perry tries to compel Captain Romney and his officers to join him. There’s psychedelic music, a couple of cheap wrestling matches, and some shameless flag waving before it’s all over. After that, the players slink away in shame.

Features 7 Big Green Songs:

(1) Doc Flapjack
(2) Yorba Linda, Mybalinda
(3) Sugar Shack
(4) Motherlode
(5) Hi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi
(6) Super Sugar Christ
(7) Nobody Ride

Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode:

Omega Glory

Cast

Free Enterprise Crew:

Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Welsh, chief engineer
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president

Also Featuring:

Captain Rick Perry
Lt. Commander Charles Grassley
Pat Robertson, leader of the Klowrn people
Zoo, a random Klowrn man
Merchant, a Kowrn … well … merchant

Ned Trek 15: Santorum’s Christmas Planet

Forget the stupid tree, Willard!

Plot Summary

The Free Enterprise crew is dispatched to planet Noel Ball 9, a world that has been “Christmaformed”, a process which expunges the entire world of secularism and leaves it with a two-day annual calendar: Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  Willard, Ned, Perle, and Doc beam down to find an appropriately hyper-consumerist society ruled over by The Santorum, who appears in ethereal form with his fetal mascot, Santiny Tim.  Conflict ensues, with cries of joyous holiday ecstasy and the occasionally shooting of laser guns.

Features 6 Big Green Songs:

(1) Make that Christmas Shine
(2) Horrible People
(3) Dick’smas Xmas
(4) Doc’s Christmas
(5) Lonely Little Neocon
(6) Christmas Green

Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode:

Return of the Archons

Cast

Free Enterprise Crew:

Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Welsh, chief engineer
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president
Stephanie H., umpteenth clone of redshirt Mr. Stephanie

On Planet Noel Ball 9:

Rick Santorum, Governor
Peter Lorie, Santorum’s assistant
Manikin, a Noel Ballian
Lawgivers

Also Appearing:

Commodore Mitch McConnell
Carl Sagan, introduction

Ned Trek 20: The Shamesters of Quadzillion

Tell me again how vaccines cause retardation!

Plot Summary

Captain Romney, Mr. Ned, and Mr. Perle find themselves transported to a mysterious planet in a distant quarternary star system where reclusive billionaires place bets on competitors from all over the galaxy as they are compelled to tear each other to shreds with the deadliest weapon money can buy: political attack ads.  Our three “heroes” (or “hoagies”) enter the arena to meet Romney’s primary opponents in the 2012 election cycle. Who will prevail?

Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode:

The Gamesters of Triskelion

Cast

Free Enterprise Crew:

Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Welsh, chief engineer
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president
Stephanie J., umpteenth clone of redshirt Mr. Stephanie
Mr. German, throwaway joke of a crewman

On Planet Quadzillion:

Trolls:
Newt Gingrich, Perle’s Shill Troll
Herman Cain
Michele Bachmann, Romney’s Shill Troll
Chief Justice John Roberts, as Gaunt, Master Troll

The Benefactors:
Charles Koch
Foster Friess
Sheldon Adelson

Ned Trek 19: Careact

Stupid frigging prop!

Plot Summary

The crew of the Free Enterprise are engaged in a life and death struggle with a deadly socialist menace-machine bent on providing life-giving health coverage to every living dude. Worse than a machine, it was a space probe, and it turns out, Captain Romney was its surrogate mother! A titanic battle ensued, and our intrepid crew survived, but only after painful extraction of six highly derivative pop songs sung by the captain and his senior officers.

Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode:

“The Changeling”

Features 6 Big Green Songs:

(1) Die-de-die (Spiro’s song); sung by the Nixon android
(2) Sick Poor Jerk in a Herd; sung by Ned
(3) Well, Well, Well; sung by Perle
(4) Romneycare; sung by Captain Romney
(5) Some Health Care; by Mr. Welsh
(6) Medicare; by Doc Coburn

Cast

Free Enterprise Crew:
Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president

Ned Trek 18: Captain Fricassee

Hey, big guy! Don't I know you?

Plot Summary

During a visit to the ruined planet CrackerFry Nine, the Free Enterprise Crew attempts to retrieve drilling equipment and bibles left by the free-market evangelists who destroyed this hideous little globe (and themselves in the process). Willard gets some fracking fluid on his suit, causing a transporter malfunction that divides him into two opposite personalities: a moderate northern republican and the southern reactionary cracker that resides within every ambitious politician. Two Willards! Conflict ensues!

Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode:

“The Enemy Within”

Cast

Free Enterprise Crew:
Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Cracker Romney, also Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president

Ned Trek 17: Free Enterprise Syndrome

Hey ... is that a teepee?

Plot Summary

On an away mission to the planet Nawbodylecarus 5, Captain Willard loses his memory and ends up turning the placid, bucolic “Quasi” society into a sweatshop for his personal enrichment, much to the chagrin of someone named “Cornwaggin”.  Meanwhile, Ned and the crew fight off a planet-wrecking Halliburton drilling vessel “The Dickman” bent on fracking the daylights out of Nawbodylecarus 5.

Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode:

“The Paradise Syndrome”

Features 6 Big Green Songs:

(1) My Masterpiece; sung by Perle
(2) Space is the Devil; sung by Welsh
(3) I Place You First; sung by the Nixon android
(4) This Horse’s Sense; sung by Ned
(5) Happy and Peaceful Here; sung by Captain Romney
(6) Lies from the Pit of Hell; sung by Doc Coburn

Cast

Free Enterprise Crew:
Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president

Nawbodylecarus Fivers:
Cornwaggin
Dialeella
Chief

Special Guest Stars:
Space Governor Chris Christie
Robotic voice of the Dickman

Ned Trek 16: A Mock Time

Ned rings the bell

Plot Summary

Mr. Ned is acting particularly irritable lately, leading Dr. Bugoato to surmise that he is suffering from the Fawn Par or mating fever and that he must return to his “home” planet of Palominus 12 … or die!  A ludicrous dance-a-thon ensues, with color commentary by Pat Sumerall.

Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode:

“Amok Time”

Cast

Free Enterprise Crew:
Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Stephanie, chief red shirt cannonfodder
Dr. BuGoato, chief veterinarian (formerly McGoato)
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president
Lieutenant Gupta, communications officer

Palominius Twelvers:
T’Cow, leader of Palominius 12
Wall-ass Simpson, Equerry to T’Cow
T’Bang, the most enchanting example of equine pulchritude ever to grace the stables of Palominius 12.

Special Guest Stars:
Admiral Mitch McConnell
Pat Sumerall