Tag Archives: Trek

Ned Trek 20: The Shamesters of Quadzillion

Tell me again how vaccines cause retardation!

Plot Summary

Captain Romney, Mr. Ned, and Mr. Perle find themselves transported to a mysterious planet in a distant quarternary star system where reclusive billionaires place bets on competitors from all over the galaxy as they are compelled to tear each other to shreds with the deadliest weapon money can buy: political attack ads.  Our three “heroes” (or “hoagies”) enter the arena to meet Romney’s primary opponents in the 2012 election cycle. Who will prevail?

Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode:

The Gamesters of Triskelion

Cast

Free Enterprise Crew:

Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Welsh, chief engineer
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president
Stephanie J., umpteenth clone of redshirt Mr. Stephanie
Mr. German, throwaway joke of a crewman

On Planet Quadzillion:

Trolls:
Newt Gingrich, Perle’s Shill Troll
Herman Cain
Michele Bachmann, Romney’s Shill Troll
Chief Justice John Roberts, as Gaunt, Master Troll

The Benefactors:
Charles Koch
Foster Friess
Sheldon Adelson

Ned Trek 18: Captain Fricassee

Hey, big guy! Don't I know you?

Plot Summary

During a visit to the ruined planet CrackerFry Nine, the Free Enterprise Crew attempts to retrieve drilling equipment and bibles left by the free-market evangelists who destroyed this hideous little globe (and themselves in the process). Willard gets some fracking fluid on his suit, causing a transporter malfunction that divides him into two opposite personalities: a moderate northern republican and the southern reactionary cracker that resides within every ambitious politician. Two Willards! Conflict ensues!

Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode:

“The Enemy Within”

Cast

Free Enterprise Crew:
Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Cracker Romney, also Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president

Ned Trek 17: Free Enterprise Syndrome

Hey ... is that a teepee?

Plot Summary

On an away mission to the planet Nawbodylecarus 5, Captain Willard loses his memory and ends up turning the placid, bucolic “Quasi” society into a sweatshop for his personal enrichment, much to the chagrin of someone named “Cornwaggin”.  Meanwhile, Ned and the crew fight off a planet-wrecking Halliburton drilling vessel “The Dickman” bent on fracking the daylights out of Nawbodylecarus 5.

Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode:

“The Paradise Syndrome”

Features 6 Big Green Songs:

(1) My Masterpiece; sung by Perle
(2) Space is the Devil; sung by Welsh
(3) I Place You First; sung by the Nixon android
(4) This Horse’s Sense; sung by Ned
(5) Happy and Peaceful Here; sung by Captain Romney
(6) Lies from the Pit of Hell; sung by Doc Coburn

Cast

Free Enterprise Crew:
Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president

Nawbodylecarus Fivers:
Cornwaggin
Dialeella
Chief

Special Guest Stars:
Space Governor Chris Christie
Robotic voice of the Dickman

Ned Trek 16: A Mock Time

Ned rings the bell

Plot Summary

Mr. Ned is acting particularly irritable lately, leading Dr. Bugoato to surmise that he is suffering from the Fawn Par or mating fever and that he must return to his “home” planet of Palominus 12 … or die!  A ludicrous dance-a-thon ensues, with color commentary by Pat Sumerall.

Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode:

“Amok Time”

Cast

Free Enterprise Crew:
Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Stephanie, chief red shirt cannonfodder
Dr. BuGoato, chief veterinarian (formerly McGoato)
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president
Lieutenant Gupta, communications officer

Palominius Twelvers:
T’Cow, leader of Palominius 12
Wall-ass Simpson, Equerry to T’Cow
T’Bang, the most enchanting example of equine pulchritude ever to grace the stables of Palominius 12.

Special Guest Stars:
Admiral Mitch McConnell
Pat Sumerall

Ned Trek 10: A Plea For Arms

Willard and Guybo on Glock 5

Plot Summary

Ned, Willard, and the crew of the Free Enterprise arrive on the planet Glock 5, where the native inhabitants are just discovering flintlocks … or so they are led to believe.  Action ensues!

Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode:

“A Private Little War”

Cast

Free Enterprise Crew:
Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Stephanie, chief red shirt cannonfodder
Dr. McGoato, chief veterinarian
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president

Glocians:
Guybo – a.k.a. Charlton Heston
Sphenoikle, Guybo’s wife, a Bozotu woman (the local witch/clown people)
Dontoe, random Glocian rube

Special Guest Star:
Sen. Harry Reid,  captain of the Obamulan ship, O.U. Plywood