NOTES FROM SRI LANKA.

(December '00)

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12/3/2000

Hey howdee. 

Just thought I'd start practicing the dialect people the world over will be compelled to employ (on pain of death) when George II ascends to the throne, his bony finger twitching over that nuclear button. Sheeww-wee!

Can't say the impending Dubya coronation has been weighing too heavily on our minds here in Sri Lanka, as we've had a busy week of our own to sort through. After spending a couple of frigid nights out in the mutant herb garden, we surrendered to the crack Indonesian riot goons that our record label, Hegemonic Records & Worm Farm, Inc., sent over to compel us to sign a renegotiation of the earthbound marketing plan for our album 2000 Years To Christmas or "2KY2C". I know what you're going to say...we copped out, right? Well...just try crawling around on your belly for forty-eight hours eating nothing but cold cilantro and bird droppings. Then talk to me about integrity. 

Funny thing was, when the Indonesians marched us in for the "renegotiation" session, as a minor act of contrition for keeping them waiting, they made us eat a traditional humiliation salad of -- you guessed it -- cold cilantro and bird droppings. There's a lesson in this somewhere. 

As soon as we got through the opening rituals, though, the lawyers for Hegemonic came up with some pretty interesting marketing proposals. I've already mentioned the line of synchronized toasters along lower Broadway and the mid-west "skinhead" tour. They also came up with another gimmick that's sure to earn 2000 Years To Christmas some attention. Instead of employing the irritatingly accurate Soundscan system for tabulating sales of the album, Hegemonic has gotten its greasy hands on scores of Votomatic machines, and plans to have the buying public poke holes in punch cards with a stylus to make their purchases. They've even constructed a fifty-foot tall Votomatic stylus to promote their new fraud...ahem...I mean, highly accurate purchasing system. Isn't that clever? (Hegemonic's lawyers assure us that if they place CD's by more well-known artists near the top of the punch card, this will somehow work in our favor. I have my doubts, but...what the hey.)

What role did Gerard Depardieu play in this exchange of views? Well, Gerard has departed for the continent on holiday, taking all his used subtitles with him. (I'm told he donates them to some school for the hearing impaired in Monaco.) As for his epic production of Hooked On Phonics -- that has been shelved for the time being. Pity. Between the champagne breakfasts and the midnight orgies, I think they'd even gotten to the point of breaking the seal on the film cans. (All that work....down the drain!)

Looking Residential. Houston, we've got a food fight! It's amazing what cavemen U.S. politicians can become with only the gentlest of prompting. In the wake of perhaps the biggest yawn of an election since...well, since 1996, the world is being treated to the full, glorious spectacle of gumby democracy. The nation that has lectured the world about "democracy" (though not always about "one-person, one-vote," I hasten to add) is on the verge of installing into the White House a man who (a.) lost the popular vote by about 350,000, and (b.) won the electoral vote by a razor-thin margin in a state wracked by voting irregularities and run by his brother. Lookin' good!

Of course, everybody who's anybody in the States is groping for a solution. There are plenty of suggestions out there. I think the most elegant one might be having Florida's legislature vote in the Bush electors so that brother Jeb can sign Dubya's ticket to Washington. That would comport well with Dubya's own personal history (Yale on a C average, Harvard on a C average, etc., etc.). Though Dubya, no doubt, has his own ideas on how this terrible inconvenience might be set straight. 

It's hard to imagine Al Gore becoming a cause celebre under any circumstances. The man has a positive gift for at least sounding insincere. And -- of course -- in all of the progressive-sounding rhetoric he hurriedly adopted in the national stage of his campaign, he assuredly is insincere. So why does nearly half the voting public believe him when he says that all the votes have not been counted? Maybe it's just that a lot of people who were funneled into voting for Gore (for lack of more attractive Democratic alternatives) know just how funny elections can be in the states, even when nobody's looking. The entire U.S. voting process seems like such an after thought -- as if it doesn't matter for much, unless it's so close that it becomes an issue of contention between the two major centers of political power. Otherwise, it's acceptable that the actual vote count is less accurate than many of the major opinion polls. That's "small-d" democracy for you.

Shit-boy-howdy. Is that the time? Gotta git. 

luv u,

jp

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12/10/2000

Hayanana,  

That's the anglicized Zenon word for "hello," by the way. Our erstwhile extraterrestrial sit-in guitarist sFshzenKlyrn taught us that one. (Like the French, he's got a different word for everything.)

Things have gotten a little quieter around the lean-to over the last few days. Our Indonesian military guests have left us, after convincing us to sign a renegotiated marketing agreement for 2000 Years To Christmas with our label, Hegemonic Records & Worm Farm, Inc. It didn't take much to get our cooperation...though the thirty-odd windings of rope did make it impossible for us to use our hands. They just stuck a fountain pen between our teeth, picked us up bodily, and marked a big "X" on the dotted line. Nothing to it. 

Hegemonic's chief negotiator, James Baker III, explained the firm's marketing strategy to us as the signing ceremony proceeded. Apparently they've pinpointed the planet where sales of 2000 Years To Christmas (or "2KY2C") are the most vigorous -- a lively little orb known as Kaztropharius 137b, somewhere in the neighborhood of NGC 1850 (see photo). It happens that the atmosphere of Kaztropharius 137b consists mainly of carbon monoxide, sulfur dioxide, and a trunk load of heavy metals, while its oceans are concealed beneath a thick layer of crude oil. Now if we can reproduce those conditions here on earth, so Hegemonic's logic goes, it should bring 2KY2C sales up to where they ought to be. Jim Baker said he has a sure-fire plan for making this happen, but wouldn't elaborate. (He seemed in kind of a hurry. Busy guy.)  

Those Hegemonic boys -- they've got more tricks up their sleeve than Patton Boggs! No sooner was the ink dry on our contract than they were putting their next big 2KY2C publicity stunt in motion. This time it involved giants. Hegemonic hired a team of professional giants from Betelgeuse to scramble up the Empire State Building. I'm told those big boys were some offered pretty attractive incentives for that particular day's work. (The first one to the top got to eat the antenna.) Talk about an attention-getter! They had traffic backed up all the way down 34th street, I'm told. There were even a couple of jokers in bi-planes buzzing in for a closer look. One of the Betelgeuseans took a few swipes at them, then fell backwards off the building. It was a pretty dramatic scene. Didn't sell any CD's, but it sure got people talking!

What's next? God knows. That well-oiled Hegemonic Records machine is liable to come up with anything. If you see any evidence of their handiwork, drop us a line at info@biggreenhits.com. Maybe if we get enough responses, they'll agree to send someone back here to untie us. 

"Old Five To Four." Speaking of tied up in knots...the American electoral system is finally getting the close scrutiny it so richly deserves. And the closer you look, the uglier it gets. Naturally, the corporate networks are mostly concerned with the see-saw legal contest between the two mega-sponsored candidates -- little more than an extension of the (yawn) election campaign. More remarkable is the system of uneven and, in some cases, denied access to the polls. Voting systems that are less accurate than many opinion polls. Minority voters being turned away. Motor-voter registrations somehow getting flushed down the canvassing board toilet. And the common practice of excluding ex-felons from the franchise -- a full 525,000 residing in Florida alone, including 9 percent of the state's African-American population. Pretty ugly. 

It has been entertaining, at least, to watch Dubya's seemingly inevitable coronation endure repeated delays. Also fun is watching the Republicans scramble to the federal courts to intervene in a matter traditionally left to the states...good grief! They seem more certain than anyone that a hand count will lead to a victory for the Gorebot, and they'll resort to just about anything to keep that from happening, including abandoning much of their phony-baloney philosophy, declaring war on the judiciary, etc.  

As always seemed likely, it appears to be coming down to a simple vote by the Supreme Court -- or so it seemed on Saturday. That's good news for Dubya. Even he can calculate that one in his own favor...if he uses both hands. And the Gorebot? He'll get another shot...sadly. After four years of glorious gridlock under Dubya, you'll see an upgraded Gore back on the campaign trail, with lifelike hair and (more than likely) kung-fu grip. Then another four years of gridlock. Could be worse.

Gotta go. My head's about to fall off. 

luv,

jp   

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12/17/2000

Happy birthday, Ludwig...

Yesterday, of course, was the officially recognized birthday of Ludwig Von Beethoven. And, well...I just thought if any of his decedents were reading this, um...you know. Anyway...how are you, then? Good? And that fungus problem...has it spread to the ankle, yet? 

I'll bet old Beethoven never had to deal with some of the bullshit we face on a daily basis. I'm not talking about the appalling toll this year's rainy season has taken on our reconstituted 37-room lean-to. No, I'm referring to the peculiar PR gyrations displayed by our label, Hegemonic Records & Worm Farm, Inc., as it attempts to induce the general (earthbound) public to purchase our CD 2000 Years To Christmas (or "2KY2C"). These guys have been all over the map, strategy-wise, since making us sign that agreement some days ago (see last week's column). 

I've told you about the publicity stunts involving synchronized toasters, 50-ft. Votomatic styluses, and giants from Betelgeuse. Well apparently, after Hegemonic's bean counters saw the bill for some of these events (particularly the one from the deli that brought in lunch for the Betelgeuseans), they screamed bloody murder and cut the marketing budget to ribbons. Next thing we know, the PR hacks at Hegemonic are advancing this talking Christmas ornament as a spokesmodel. I don't mean on a television commercial. I mean making personal appearances! Not on TV talk shows --- just standing out on the street! Mind you, we're not talking about an army of Christmas ornaments. We're talking about one...shrimpy....mutant...elf, standing on a street corner in Erie, Pa., whispering to passers-by in hopes of planting a subliminal suggestion that might pay off the next time they stumble upon 2KY2C  at a music store or while shopping on-line. Fat chance! This...this is what we spent the better part of two weeks tied up like a pot roast for? This is what we ate cilantro and bird droppings for? 

Well, when we learned of this outrage, Matt got on the phone to Hegemonic's chief counsel James Baker III and gave him a piece of all of our minds. He told the Texas millionaire in no uncertain terms that we wanted a better spokesmodel...something (or someone) with a little more pizzazz, a little more pop. I was proud of Matt...though I had to stop him from banging the receiver on the table too many times. (There's such a thing as going too far.)

The fabulous Baker boy told us he would see what he could do. He said that Hegemonic's operations in Irian Jaya were planning a PR coup in support of Freeport MacMoran's mining operations on the big island. Apparently, they were planning a major stunt to help convince the locals that toxic runoff is good for them (which, of course, it is) and to stop griping about "wholesale destruction of their homeland" and other trifles. Baker thought there was some opportunity for "synergy" with our marketing plan. He said we would ask Hegemonic to bill Big Green as a cosponsor of the aerial pyrotechnics, which he said could be altered so as to spell out our name...in flaming letters!   

Well, now that we've got our marketing back on track, we can concentrate on what's really important -- like bailing out the living room. (If this rainy season doesn't let up soon, we'll be embarking on an impromptu Pacific Rim tour...without a paddle.)

Something For Everyone. How 'bout that Supreme Court, eh? They really know how to hand down a split decision. Who would've thought after all that counting (and not counting) the final vote tally  would be 5-4! This is fairly impressive election fraud even by US standards -- massive voting irregularities (including thousands of African Americans wrongfully identified as felons and turned away at the polls), a race too close to call without a hand count, and the nation's highest court, in essence, deciding that in this one case, an arbitrary deadline is more important than determining the actual winner (most likely, the Gorebot). So in the true spirit of compromise, everyone walks away with something. Gore with victory. Bush with the presidency. Cokie Roberts with closure. Is this a great country, or what?

As I write, the presumptive President-Elect is busily making his choices (you can pretend) for the major jobs in his new administration. These will be the people running the country for the next four years -- call it a junta, since there will be a general (Powell) at its head. (Powell, we are frequently reminded, heroically defeated a third world conscript army by using the full weight of the world's largest and second largest military machines, aided by several lower ranking ones, as well.) 

Of course, George II can only dream of the kind of cabinet Ronnie Reagan was able to assemble for his first term. With foresight and vision, old mother Reagan put together a group of specialists that, from his perspective, looked most like America. And thanks to him, many of these dedicated public servants still stand ready to come to the aid of their country, if called upon. (Though some -- like Cheney -- still have no pupils in their eyes.)

Enjoy the new golden age. Talk to you soon.

luv,

jp  

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12/24/2000

Peace be wit-cha.

Well, well, well. Last week a birthday, this week an anniversary. For the four or five million people worldwide (perhaps a slight exaggeration) who've been logging on to www.BigGreenHits.com  religiously since late last year, today marks the 1-year anniversary of this ludicrous online column. So pop the cork, humanity! And for those few scattered human souls who have not been reading NOTES FROM SRI LANKA religiously each week since December '99, all is not lost -- there's always our maddeningly meticulous BACK PAGES archive to peruse. 

What's been happening in Big Green's corner of the globe? Things are pretty quiet, with the holiday season now upon us. Having finally rid ourselves of those pesky house guests (Gerard "Subtitles-Galore" Depardieu, Jim Baker, the Indonesian Army, etc.), we've turned our attention back to what has always been our primary concern as the world's original dis-corporate pop group -- keeping an eye on that mutant-run sweatshop in the shadow of the north pole. I managed to get a snapshot of the operation's kingpin, but thanks to one too many seasonal doses of Zenite snuff (courtesy of our extra-terrestrial sit-in guitarist sFshzenKlyrn), it came out a little strange. Judge for yourself.

Though we haven't received official word from our label, Hegemonic Records & Worm Farm, Inc., it appears as if their marketing efforts on behalf of our album 2000 Years To Christmas (or "2KY2C") have fallen short of expectation, sales-wise. Let's just say they haven't "moved the needle" with the sensational publicity stunts they've been pulling off in select markets (mid-town Manhattan, Erie PA, and Irian Jaya). Call it a hunch, but when I saw them digging out some of our old publicity photos, I knew things were going badly. While Jim Baker was here, he had his Indonesian hire-a-thugs take some pub photos of us while we were tied to those stakes. I think we came out looking a little crispy, having gone through something of an ordeal over the course of the preceding few days. So with sales drooping, the Hegemonic boys must have hurriedly replaced them with some shots taken during our triumphant "Mausoleum" tour of 1990 (Matt sans beard).

This last-ditch decision made no noticeable difference in U.S. sales of 2KY2C. Though there was a slight up tick in the Patagonian market. I attribute this to the photo change -- not because it made us look better, but because the picture was taken by world-renown Patagonian photographer and longtime Big Green friend Leif Zurmuhlen (seen here lighting a shot for a magazine spread). His credit on a publicity photo draws an immediate reaction on the part of his many fans around the globe. Leif, we salute you...your Hegemonic check is in the mail. 

The Winning Team. Man, I miss that 'lection show! This drippy post-election cycle is boooorrriiiing! What could be less riveting than watching George Dubya call roll for his upcoming fraudulent administration? Talk about lack-of-suspense. Does it surprise anyone that he's larding his cabinet with high-profile minority conservatives? Not to mention a predictable legion of white conservatives and Reagan-Bush retreads. Tommy-gun Thompson for HHS, Ashcroft for AJ, and other hacks. At least with General Powell heading up the State Department, we'll be keeping those dastardly Grecians in line. Perhaps even bombing Turkmenistan, if Dubya can find it with both hands. 

A lot has been said about Congressional gridlock because of the closeness of the margin between the two (conservative) parties, but I'll believe it when I see it. I'm certain that, on issues close to the reptilian heart of Dubya, bipartisanship will serve up compromise after poisonous compromise, just as it did under Clinton. After all -- the same sort of inequitable constitutional contrivances that allow a popular vote loser to ascend to the Presidency exaggerate the voting strength of smaller, more conservative states in the U.S. Senate. Believe me -- Dubya will get a polite hearing in both houses when he delivers his first state of the union address. Maybe even a salute or two. 

Gotta go. Happy anniversary. Keep those cards, letters, and emails coming. And don't fly over the Vincennes. 

luv u,

jp   

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12/31/2000

Seasonal merriment be thine,

Wrapping up another year here in old Sri Lanka -- good riddance, I say. My 2000 sucked big time; and yours? Was it everything you expected it to be? Yeah...me too. 

We did spend a merry week unboxing holiday gifts from every corner of the galaxy. (Because our records sell so much better on other planets, the vast majority of our fan mail emanates from beyond the exosphere.) I have to say, the Betelgeuseans were particularly generous again this year -- though it's easier for them to give larger gifts, since their average height is around 150 feet. You think everything's big in Texas, eh? Well, everything's bigger in Betelgeuse!

Pavlovian readers of this column (sit!...okay, now read!) will recall that the altitudinous Betelgeuseans were contracted by our label, Hegemonic Records & Worm Farm, Inc., to carry out some promotional stunts in support of our album 2000 Years To Christmas (or "2KY2C") By way of a courtesy gift for paying them so well, they sent us a little something we can use in the garden. It is, in fact, the second biggest watering can anyone has ever seen. The largest, of course, is the one that was contracted by ex-Mayor Edward Hanna for display in downtown Utica, NY, using $6,000 in HUD block grant money. That one was so big, they had to put it in the zoo. (They say you've got to be crazy to live in Utica. Think how crazy you have to be to become mayor!) 

Now, we're not much on accepting ostentatious gifts. We prefer large bundles of currency, or easily negotiable precious metals. But these Betelgeuseans are shaming us with their generosity -- more than that, they're crushing us! Someone tell them to stop! This year we got the giant watering can because of some off-hand remark Matt made about hating to use the garden hose on the baby rubber trees (they may be tall, but they listen!). Last year I made some comment about wanting to put my hand in the till every time they ring up a copy of Britney Spears' CD. Next thing I know, this colossal UPS truck pulls up and drops a 12-story NCR cash register on what was then our house (and what is now a 5-cm thick layer of compacted building materials). When I phoned the Betelgeuseans to complain, they just snickered at me. 

Now, nobody likes a good joke better than I do. Except perhaps John...and some of his friends. And then there's Doctor Hump.... Come to think of it, everybody likes a good joke better than I do. But that's not the point. One of these days, Matt or John or I will say something about the Anvil Chorus within earshot of a Betelgeusean, and that'll be the end -- not only for us, but probably for all of our neighbors, too. So, help us stop the madness. Email your personal plea to the Betelgeuseans at stopthemadness@BigGreenHits.com and we'll send them up to that big red star with our compliments. I think I hear a delivery truck...Hurry!

Team Sports. What did I say last week about the Dubya cabinet? Well, I take it all back. They're a swell bunch of folks. Assault...I mean, salt of the earth. Good sports, every one, and not a bit stuck-up. 

Why such a dramatic change of heart over such a short period of time? Why do you think? You guessed it -- we've been tapped for important positions in the new administration. That's right, Dubya has chosen his old interplanetary touring buddies from Big Green to head up his Select Commission on Extraterrestrial Phenomena -- the "X-Commission", if you will. Hey...it's payback time. Thanks to his stint with us last summer (see our Tour Log for more on this), he learned enough about "Juniper" and those other planets to get himself elected (or near enough, anyway). He was ready to put the Gorebot to shame with his knowledge of outer space, had the subject come up at one of their debates. 

With our new-found status as members of the Bush II administration, we were hoping we could convince Dubya to take on a few more of his old partying bud...I mean, business associates for key posts at the White House. I think Dr. Hump would make a stellar Surgeon General, for instance. And it was he who really took Dubya under his wing while the future President-Select was struggling with the identities of those pesky inner planets. Besides, Dubya really needs a good Surgeon General -- he's been looking a bit poorly, lately. Look at this picture, for Chrissake. Even old Sam Houston looks worried about him...and he's been dead for ages!

Anyway...have a happy. We'll hold the fort 'til you get back. 

luv,

jp

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